Tard-Point-Oh and No Pants Land
Dangerous Fashion: Tard-Point-Oh and No Pants Land
Ladies, it is a scientifically proven fact that all clothes look better in stores than they do once you get them home.(1) It is also a fact that many lady garments, while adorable on, are not only terribly inconvenient to wear, but potentially ungainly should your cuteness snag you that man-fox of a singer/artist/poet or other dude with great facial hair at the ironically-themed party of your choice.
But where does the line between cuteness and practicality lie? And how are you going to get the aforementioned dude’s attention unless you wear something even more ridiculous than that bitch who showed up in the dayglo leggings and matching crop top (slut!)? In solidarity with my awkwardly leotarded spandex sisters, I have put together an exposé of two of the most dangerous garments lurking on the racks these days, lest you succumb to their sex-destroying powers.
Dangerous Fashion: Leotards
Leotard as Waist Hiding Exercise
Formerly on their way out, I think we can safely thank Darren Aronofsky’s psycho ballet freak show for the fashion redux I like to call Tard-Point-Oh. Leotards may seem like a good idea – after all, what else are you going to wear under your high-waisted acid-wash side-zip shorts? But consider the following: the bra conundrum and the wedgie inevitability. Even if you are blessed with boobs that are either small enough or perky enough not to need a bra, there’s always the crotch issue.
First of all, the leotard has the power to render any cute underwear underneath it totally ridiculous looking. Secondly, there is nothing sexy about getting into a girl’s pants (or the shorts she stole from 1993, as the case may be), only to find her wearing something more closely resembling your grandmother’s one-piece swimsuit than the Victoria’s Secret centerfolds we’re all secretly supposed to look like. And finally, nothing makes friends in the mile-long bathroom line like the time it takes to get buck naked from neck to vag every time you need to pee, which is bound to be often, because you’re probably drinking cans of shitty beer like it’s going out of style.(2)
Potentially More Dangerous Fashion: Jeggings
Jeggings. Yeggings. Lleggings.
Not quite skinny jean, not quite legging, this abominable love child of leg covering is something to be avoided at all costs. Remember: just because they cost as much as pants do doesn’t make them so.
Besides, I think they sell these at Walgreen’s / CVS / DuaneReade now, and I think that the “never buy pants at a drug store edict” is a pretty good rule of thumb when you’re trying to keep it classy. For that matter, let’s talk leggings, and the slippery slope to No
Pants Land. Remember when skinny jeans were the ish, and you wiggled your way into thigh-binders the likes of which needed zippers at the ankles just so you could get your damn foot through? But they were cute, if only a little hard to get off during drunken hook ups, and fairly pants-y, all things considered.
And then you saw girls wearing leggings for something other than going to yoga class, and they were actually kind of cute. First under tunics, or their boyfriend’s Pendleton, but then just in place of regular pants, and that’s when things started to get bad.
Once ladies started to get comfortable with the paper-thin-jersey-as-pants-substitute, almost-visible ass cheeks graced the sidewalks of hipster havens the world over. Dudes were digging it; people were getting laid like never before. We were all drunk on PBR / Olympia / Hamm’s, and we didn’t see ourselves sliding into comically bad style. Then, the ultimate in not-pants: girls wearing tights as a substitute for leggings, which were never really pants in the first place, under tops not long enough to cover their gussets. No, that’s not a new euphemism for vajayjays, it’s that
ugly crotch-y thing meant to warn you that those American Apparel tights are not pants, despite how opaque you
think they are and how cute that cracked out girl on the package looks, all barely pulling a sheer t-shirt down over
her ass.
So, how did we go from a society of women who, although not always impeccably dressed, at least covered our damn private parts, to the modern equivalent of a slutty Degas painting? I blame American Apparel and shitty beer.
Beware, ladies, of the trappings of spandex. And remember: less isn’t always more. Usually it’s just less.(3)
* * *
(1) This is not actually a scientific fact. What kind of idiot are you?
(2) It is going out of style. Actually, that’s a lie, too. Shitty beer will never really go out of style, but if we say it loud
enough, maybe it’ll make a small retreat?
(3) See: the hourly wages of American Apparel employees, the number of gears on a fixie, penis size.
Short URL: http://www.smalldoggiesmagazine.com/?p=1985
Posted by Melissa Tan
on February 26 2011. Filed under Features.
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